Alright, back to writing another thing! Because I love to write! I write frequently and consistently! It’s only been-
I am not afraid to admit I am a busy man. Wait, am I busy or just lazy?
Doesn’t matter. I got a question for the audience: what is the essence of Star Wars?
Think about it for a while.
What did you come up with? Is it a cautionary tale of what can happen when power goes unchecked? Is it about familial bonds?
No, no, and no. The essence of Star wars is funny puppet people doing goofy shit.
To that end, I propose a new spinoff movie starring the goofiest puppet man, the mob blob himself, Jabba the Hutt. And we can call it “Jabba the Hutt: The Movie: It Takes Place Like a Couple Days Before Episode VI.”
Before I get into the plot of the movie, remember the essence of Star Wars. Jabba will only feature puppetry – no CGI, no robotics, shit, no actors either. Just puppets. Just one puppet. Jabba. The Hutt.
You may be thinking to yourself that a single character can’t carry a whole movie, and to that I ask you: have you ever sat down and watched some guy’s stand-up on HBO?
That’s right – it’s gonna be ninety minutes of Jabba crackin’ jokes and wittin’ all over the palace. The best part? The whole movie will be performed entirely in Huttese! That’s what you fans want, right? No translations, no subtitles. It’s all about artistic vision… I think.
So like, Jabba would start telling a story and you’d have no clue what he’s talking about, because you’re not learing a second language just to better understand the subtle nuances of a spin-off film.
He’d say “Han Solo” a bunch and you think you’re kinda getting the gist of what he’s saying, but every time, every time he gets to the punchline of a joke he’ll either forget how it ends or he’ll start laughing so hard that he can’t finish it.
Okay, you know how most comedians have a little stool on-stage that has a bottle of water? Nah. Jabba has a big-ass bag of Doritos. And about halfway through the special he’ll bust it open and start shoveling chips into his fat fucking face.
This goes on, uninterrupted, for about four or five minutes.
Oh man, and right before he finishes the Doritos he turns towards the camera and sneezes nacho cheese phlegm all over the lens. Nobody bothers cleaning off the camera so the rest of the special is obscured by a gooey orange haze. Jabba bombs for another forty-five minutes and the special ends in the middle of a joke.
Well hey alright! Wasn’t that fun? I hope we figured out the essence of whatever I was rambling about for the last few paragraphs, and hopefully it doesn’t take me another four months to come back here and update y’alls with my thoughts about bees or Megazords or some shit. Keep it in, folks!
C. Jetson: With One L, Not Two 