Field of Dreams: Dreaming of Fields (Also I Invented A New Sport So That’s Cool I Guess)

How’s it going?

Guess who finally finished building their new computer?

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about (as much as I’d like to). And for once I’m not here to piss and moan about some dumb cartoon (again, I’d really like to as well).

I’m here to talk about sports! What a *frantically thinks of a sport-related idiom* curved-ball!

Now, I may not be the most avid follower of sports. Heck, I may not be the strongest or the fastest or the most coordinated person on the field.

So I had this dream the other night where people were playing a brand-new sport! Like, are you allowed to do that? Just invent a new sport? But how do you play, and how do you win?

Before I talk about my great vision, let’s talk about the sports that already exist. Obviously the rules vary quite a bit between each one, but think about how many of them involve taking the THING and putting it in the GOAL while the other team COORDINATES TO STOP THE OFFENSIVE WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY ATTEMPTING TO SCORE FOR THEMSELVES.

There are exceptions though! Baseball, and golf! And… frisbee golf!

And I’m damn proud of these maverick sports, all doing whatever the heck it is they do best. But wait! What about my awesome sport?

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with mild disdain that I introduce upon you… Tootin’ Pootner.

Tootin’ Pootner (yes, that’s what I’m forced to call it) aims to combine the symmetrical team goals of soccer and basketball and all that with the off-the wall ruling of baseball and its ilk while simultaneously remedying their flaws. You know what the problem with football is? It takes like five hours! You know what sucks about baseball? There’s too much sitting! And don’t even get me started on golf!

In a round of Tootin’ Pootner, the whole team gets to play at the same time! Because there’s only one person per team!

But what’s the goal?

I’m sorry you asked. Each team is given a “horn” about three feet in length. One end is smaller than the other to facilitate blowing into. Nestled snugly within the horn is a weighted bean bag.

Oh, and you also need a marching band.

Each team blows into the horn as hard as they can in an attempt to launch the bean bag as far as they can. The catch? The marching band is playing some Yankee Doodle macaroni bullshit while this is going on. So like, you gotta put some hustle into your lungs ’cause you only got until the song’s over to pop that bean bag out.

It doesn’t matter if your opponent frees their bean bag before you do, just as long as you free yours by the end of the song. No, you’re playing for distance. It’s about who launches their bean bag the farthest, and whoever can get the most distance scores a point.

Whichever team reaches, oh I don’t know, two points first wins.

So what are you waiting for? Go pro! Take the first bus to the Alps and start training your lungs, because we’re expecting your lazy ass to represent us in the Olympics! You know, whenever we get around to doing that!

And as for me? I got computer things to do. Gonna… overclock the RGB. Maybe water-cool the BIOS.

For more words arranged into barely-readable strings, follow me on Twitter! If you’re feeling extra cool, support me on Patreon so I can buy some cool stickers!