Godslayer Pickles

Hey everybody, I hope you’re all having a good 2020 so far.

If you read the first thing I ever wrote on this website, you might know that my New Year’s resolution was to write more. I’ve written some stuff, which is more than no stuff at all. In that sense, I’d say that I’m succeeding!

It isn’t always easy to find some great meaningful idea and then put it into words. To be quite honest, the last few weeks haven’t exactly been the most eventful. Mostly just working, you know?

But then I remembered – this is my website. I have free reign to write whatever I want on here! To hell with your preconceived ideas of value and insight! I’m gonna plop down something really stupid and high-concept!

Here’s a fun little fact about me: I write down every fleeting idea I get in a document on my phone. Whether I’m at work, or out with friends, or even at home watching a movie, if I get some flash of inspiration, it goes in the document. Here’s one for you all:

“A medical bracelet that says, ‘I only like cantaloupe sometimes'”

Now what in the dog-dick heck does that mean? I don’t really remember the context. I think my buddies and I were talking about fashion trends and a guy gets a medical bracelet that says the aforementioned cantaloupe phrase, then he gets a seizure at the club and the paramedics are absolutely baffled by this whole thing.

My original point’s gotten away from me a little bit, but I’ll say this. Write down your ideas. All of them. One of them might actually be worth something in the future!

So why is the name of this article “Godslayer Pickles”? Wasn’t I just talking about cantaloupe? Can pickles go in a fruit salad?

The title of this article comes from the very first thing I wrote in my document of questionable ideas. The “godslayer” in question is none other than Tommy Pickles. Yes, the baby from Rugrats.

Rugrats is a show that I watched a lot as a kid and it’s fun to come back to as an adult, especially after I’ve had a long day and I want to watch something that doesn’t warrant too much thinking. If it’s been a few years or decades since you’ve seen Rugrats, go watch a few episodes from the first couple of seasons, before it got all sanitized.

Seriously, in those early seasons Tommy had this real edge to him. He had a goal, and he would stop at nothing to achieve it. Being a freaking baby, Tommy had no concept of fear most of the time. He was the kind of guy who would slit your throat if you got in his way of eating cat poop, or whatever bullshit he was on at that particular time.

Hence, the title of godslayer.

The very first line of my document says, “Tommy goes to hell.” That’s it. Are you still with me? Would you like me to elaborate?

Too bad! A-heeeeeere we go!

In this hypothetical episode of Rugrats, Tommy Pickles goes to hell. It’s not like he dies and receives judgement for his many many sins, but more like Angelica steals his favorite ball and bounces it over the fence and into hell. And Tommy just walks over there and gets it!

Also, at some point he tells Satan to put a lid on that shit. It’s a baby term that only babies know how to use. Yes, this tidbit was important enough for me to jot down in my document.

Okay, let’s wrap this up. Write down your worst ideas and put them somewhere safe. Come back to it in the future if you need inspiration or just a good mental image of a baby popping off on the devil. And most importantly, share your ideas. I’m sure somebody will get a kick out of them. Either that or they’ll make a concentrated effort to distance themselves from you and your nonsense.

But that’s the gamble we take! I’ll be back soon with yet another barely coherent pile of words!